I have often been intrinsically led to what I used to believe were ideal "arrival points", "endings". Places I would live forever, full of never and always. Grateful for the passion of my younger self, so sure and confident, declaring what I am doing, being, what I am not, where I am going. It felt very finite...and grew increasingly more embarrassing as something wiser than me began (often publicly) shoving me into those "never" and out of those "always" declarations. Humility didn't come easily to me.
What I am learning, and have been, through many seasons, is that these nudges come strongly for a reason. These declarations are true, and call me powerfully into choices... for THIS SEASON. I am called so clearly from Self - not to that "arrival point"- but to lean, throw, pour, leap, surrender with my whole heart into each STEP along the way that this "end" has created for me to live in. It feels so loud and finite, because I'm not meant to half-ass the journey. Yet I also know, it is not a final statement.
I am meant to taste the sweetness of new connections. I'm meant to feel fear rise up about being rejected, unwanted, not provided for... and the courage that comes blazing through when I choose to fan those flames. I am meant to feel deeply into the grief of what is no longer, what is transforming- death within and all around me. I am meant to allow that death to make space for new life, space for me to meet new aspects of myself- maybe for the first time, maybe old friends within me ready to be more deeply embraced and understood.
These bold proclamations of the season are barely about the statement itself. I usually find my way to its fruition, but it is almost always completely different, and way better than my little mind could conjure at the start of the adventure. At some point on the Path, I usually lose that statement in the darkness and the bliss of what I have been invited to unpack, set down, enjoy, and feel so deeply. I become so alive and present to many micromoments: boredom, frustration, ecstasy, movement, stillness, love, fear, anger, sadness. It isn't until I've looked back to reflect that I remember that one big statement that brought me to all these beautiful pieces of me, and to life, Spirit, all around me.
I have strengthened my ability to to check in frequently- to make more room for more room. I turn towards myself, my experience. I love it all, accept it, allow it BEFORE I change a thing. I create so much more from this loving space, even when my mind, my borrowed thoughts, and conditioned patterns are screaming at me to "do".
I have learned that a season could end at any moment. That I will be reminded to stay low to the ground, even as I rise in all that I am. A new nudge, declaration may pour from me- maybe amplifying another season passed, maybe a complete 180 from all I thought I was building towards and creating.
I have let go of making a complete turn around mean I failed, or that I was wrong in a season, in a statement. I have let go of (most of) the frustration of feeling like I've built something up 100 times only to feel like I start over this season from the beginning. I am finding the gold nuggets of past seasons I thought were over to be the building blocks of wisdom I am here to share in any season.
In letting go of my borrowed beliefs of failure and what I could "never" be or do, I've found a lot of trust that I serve something so much bigger than "success" and "comfort" for myself. I'm learning that it matters so much to me that we all participate in, and receive from, a life we love living- and that it's not only possible, it's already happening in more ways than systems of fear and scarcity want us to know.
I'm learning that massive change is inevitable on a collective level-quickening exponentially. I have chosen to "go first" into so much instability to learn what DOES have me. I learn more and more that I choose and create stability within to appreciate the chaos that coexists, and that nobody will save me- I don't need them to. Many will, however, support me, and I will always keep learning to receive MORE, give MORE. I'm learning this planet is absolutely overly abundant in everything we need, and she is generously forgiving in all of our forgetting and abuse of what she so willingly gives. It is so important that I anchor into that, especially when systems and culture have evolved to peak in fear, inability to critically think and self-resource, and inability to discern from our own center what is true for us in any moment- let alone permission to let that change as we experience more of our lives.
I've chosen a Path of deconstruction and destabilization in my own life, for the sake of Recovering creation from stability of trust- in myself, in all Life. Trust that I am loved for all of me, that I will always have what I need to serve myself, so that who I am serves all.
I'm learning to lean into change without needing to chase it down- it is already inevitable. I find my own peace in the chaos so that I can help others re-member how to lead themselves here again and again. I am retraining my nervous system, my emotional body, my mind, my physical vessel through so many forgotten, dismissed, and almost exterminated traditions. I'm Recovering my whole self, my ability to add my creative spin to ancient wisdoms bringing us forward.
It gets messy. I get my ass humbly kicked- and often. My learning curve is sharp, steep. Painfully fast and frustratingly slow.
I am learning that, now, when I make a declaration I am in a Balance. On one side of the scale I am weilding a sharp blade to trim away the noise of many truths- all valid and serving, yet making space for one to hold my focus. A sharpness that amplifies the power and usefulness of this truth, this moment. On the other side I am holding softness for what is being trimmed away, falling to the background. Softness for truth at the front. Space and trust for it to come and go in its season. A knowing this truth may directly conflict with a past or future season, but that it is still equally true and useful for MY life. A softness to discern how my human balances the comings and goings of other beings in their truths, in proximity to my own- always back to love.
I'm still learning a beautiful Balance of accountability and fluidity in my seasons- both within myself and in the dance of those around me. I commit to what's true, how I've said I will show up and serve community. Responsible for the lessons I have learned, and the lessons currently being forged in fire and softened in the water. I couple this with honoring when it's time to let go- to allow the season of death as it comes. Completion, trusting the change. Gratitude in the celebration of the season coming to end, birthing a new one with the gifts of memories to bring forward. I allow what wishes to leave, trusting if it is meant to come back it will, and if it is not, something perfectly aligned in this new way will take up the more space I am always creating. This or better.
I trust the home, the money, the family, the love, the touch, the nourishment, the land will always come to me. I know this because I have risked everything- letting go of trying to ensure it by force and control, many many times over now. I have challenged truth as much as I have trusted it, and allowed it to change as it serves. Because I let go, trusting the alchemy of the fire to burn and illuminate as it knows, I am led by something smarter than my fear. I softened, relaxed when I had no reason to. I surrendered and trusted when all my conditioning told me not to- and I still do.
Because of this, I am piling up evidence that I am loved. I am held. In SO MANY WAYS. All is well. Things I have put so much energy into trying to control, master, prevent, stockpile don't fucking matter at all. I am learning to enjoy the dance of fear and forgetting, moving me back to re-membering and trusting again and again.
I want to keep growing my family. Connecting in a way that is nurturing and loving of what we all want to create here, watching how there really is room for all of us to be in our genius, and how we would Balance as a collective living from that place. I'm often not sure exactly how it looks for me, but I have always been brought to it so perfectly, and so I trust the mystery like a kid excited for the opening of gifts from the heart.
If you've made it, holy shit I'm impressed and grateful. Join me, or don't. I honor your choice. I would love to hear your stories too, as life weaves us together in time and space to share.
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