For my first blog, I thought I'd give you all a little insight into something really important to me. Yoga is a big part of Recovery Room because it is a big part of my life. Just so you know what you're working with here, and why I'm so excited to share the gift with you. It's a long one, so buckle up if you're in for more than just the click bait ;). I wrote this essay as part of my Yoga Teacher Training curriculum and I found myself in tears (the best kind) trying to put into words what yoga has become to me in my short time coming to know it as I do now:
Yoga
Yoga is the most difficult, yet easy topic to write about. It is the simplest, yet most complex relationship in my life, aside from Source. My journey with yoga began in a very “Westernized” fashion, as more of a physical exercise practice. It took one class in Napa, CA with a French teacher (who rocked a killer savasana) for me to understand it was so much more than movement to get flexible and strong. I went to a place inside myself that I had never gone before, and I was hooked instantly. My mind was finally curious, and I began diving in with all I had. As a Western nurse, I had just begun dabbling in natural healing through diet and plants. Within months I was researching energy, Reiki, chakras, meditation, and pranayama. My relationship with yoga has been an almost vertical journey upwards since this time.
Yoga is union. In every way imaginable: body-mind-spirit, movement-breath, individual-collective, yin-yang, always bringing balance to its scales. Yoga delivers me to the hardest, sharpest, softest, safest, warmest, scariest, richest, most loving place inside myself every time I step to the mat. It carries me through every day, every moment. As I move through asana, I move through life- emotions, sensations, thoughts, and experiences. It is the place I feel safe to be myself, confront myself, love myself, provide myself with grace and challenge, and the place I peel away the layers of who I am not, and the things in my world that do not serve me. Yoga is unconditionally loving, and the closest thing to my version of Source that I have found in this lifetime so far. No matter what I have done, how long it has been, how pissed off I am, how weak I feel, or how high I am in my blissful moments, yoga welcomes me, and anyone who chooses it, with open arms. It transcends time, physical limitations, the mind, the body, thoughts, emotions, and spirit. Yoga allows me to fall down, laugh, cry, be silent, do nothing, do more than I thought I could. Yoga allows me to be. Yoga holds space for me, whatever I require. Yoga offers me a mirror to look and to listen for what surfaces, and find its source within me. Yoga keeps me in my world long enough to stop seeking answers, comfort, love from outside. It allows me to peer inside to find I have more than I will ever want or need in any circumstance, already within me.
Yoga is the arms of Spirit that wrap around me. Yoga is the Spirit within me, the Spirit within everything. I say namaste because I have begun my journey of uncovering the Divine Light within me. Breaking loose the trappings of samskara has been beautifully tough, but my Light slowly shines brighter and brighter. Because I have found this light in myself, I can finally see it in every single other creature, being, object in this incredible world we all call home- this family of Light and Love all contributing to the collective. I say namaste because the Light I have finally embraced inside myself not only recognizes, but celebrates and loves the Light in all beings everywhere. I say namaste because when I chant “Om” I feel it on levels I cannot explain with words, only through shared experience. I say namaste because yoga has taught me a deeper meaning of union that I am beyond excited to further explore throughout this entire lifetime.
I show up. I cheat. I sit on my ass. I sweat. I cry. My mind grows silent. I overthink. I push myself too far. I take it easy. I try new things. I master my mind (and in turn my body). I respect myself and my practice. I quit early. I say “fuck”-a lot. I laugh (sometimes hysterically). I learn about me. I learn about my human vessel. I learn about my life. I am inspired to take action, both in life and on the mat. I listen to my body’s messages to me. I hate myself, then love myself even more. I drop everything at the door. I take everything to the mat. Yoga says, “I love you” no matter what I bring. It never raises its voice or slams a door in my face, it is never disappointed. It is simply there to be whatever I need.
Yoga is based on the philosophy my soul already knew before I ever arrived to it. Ahimsa, love, non-judgment, presence, transcendence. All of these things have been floating around inside this sack of skin and bones I call home for this entire lifetime, waiting for me to tap in, uncover, and bring it out to share with the world. The Light and the Love have been simmering below my surface, slowly warming, and now boiling to blow the lid off. Sitting in YTT hearing all the teachings as if it were once again, instead of for the first time, was a coming home inside myself. It is my path and my purpose to bring myself and others to the mat, to say “hello” and “I love you” to ourselves and to others; to connect to whatever it is we feel called to connect to: a god, God, gods, each other, ourselves, animals, the air, a flame, a rock, a tree, a piece of paper, a word, a feeling, a thought.
Yoga is not for looking cute or “The Gram”. Getting my abs on was merely the side effect of me showing up with the intention of being present and fluid with whatever shows up in me, on me, and around me. Yoga is not done to say I do yoga. It is not something to check off a list. It is a sacred practice, sacred time, and sacred space that I protect, love and respect fiercely. Yoga challenges the hell out of me, and I am responsible for when I do not rise to it and for when I meet or surpass expectations- yoga has none.
Yoga is home. Yoga is pure bliss in all forms-even the ones that hurt, physically or otherwise. Yoga is prana and fire, yoga is life, yoga is family. Yoga hand delivers me to God and Mama Nature exactly as I am in any moment. Yoga is union and balance. Yoga is peace and love. Yoga is me; yoga is you. Yoga is. Om. Namaste.
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