2020 has been wild, extreme, beautiful, tragic, and expansive…to say the least. A lot of shifts in a lot of places both internally and externally. The year started with a change in the way I celebrate holidays with my family. It changed how and who family is to me. It grew the depth of my relationships in a new tribe (one that speaks the language of my soul) and helped me understand old relationships of all kinds in new ways. I navigated loss of relationship in a brand-new way.
Covid-19 continues to rock everyone in ways nobody could see coming. It hurt to feel loss of freedom, physical touch, time with my family in Iowa, even the loss of a smile or a “thank you” when wearing my scrubs in public. My car was totaled while sitting parked in the street. Nature was barely accessible (even in secret) for months. So many easy outs that I take for granted every day yanked out from beneath everyone’s feet in what felt like a hot sec. The traumatized hearts of Black Americans have been given a louder voice, a bigger platform of support and understanding than ever before in our history, yet we somehow continue to fall short on leveling the playing field of humanity where each soul is beautiful and valued. And so, we continue to shout their names and #BLM because the work isn’t done. Every single person I love back in Iowa is in a world of mess and stress and a mixed bag of feelings about it, while I can’t come home and be with them. We’re all trying to figure out how to move in an unrecognizable world. In all of this I have definitely had a lot of hard feelings in my body, my mind, my emotions. But in all of this I carry my new skills, my higher self, and my tribe.
When my stomach turns, my heart races, and my eyes release the pain all of me tries to carry, I remember who I am and what I have. I am a creative, conscious soul moving in a physical body, having all the most perfect experiences for me. I pause before RE-acting, I breathe in the ways that heal and bring new life. I act from a place of creativity and find new ways to adventure. I move my body and the sticky bits of energy stuck in and around me through yoga. I create space every day to sit in the quiet inside my world through meditation to help find my truth in all the noise. I am gearing up for a move to Denver and am looking forward to so many new adventures in a new space with a fresh perspective. The Universe hand delivered me a wicked-talented business partner and gorgeous soul to breathe new life into Recovery Room. The Universe has asked me to step more fully into myself and who I am and I’m finally ready to say “Let’s fuckin go!!!” Through all of these things, these monumental changes that affect me and so many people, a lot of consistent emotions come up. Fear is definitely one that moves quietly in me until it has snuck its way into all my hidden corners and suddenly I’m overwhelmed because I didn’t hear the whisper.
By way of divine timing and the amazing humans I’m surrounded by, today I got to check off one of my biggest, scariest bucket list items. I was surprised with the gift of a tumble from the sky (it was either that or I had to sit naked at the entrance until my friends were done with their turns). Today I strapped myself to a complete stranger (who was hella cool), climbed into the sky in the tiniest plane I’ve ever been in, took in the view of Southern Colorado, sent up all the gratitude I could muster in my state of awe, and allowed this stranger to send us free-falling out of a plane sending me into a state of complete bliss and ecstasy. Just before, my body and the ego in there tried to tell me in oddly very minimal ways this was scary, not safe. My stomach churned a little, my heart rate came up just a bit, but I tapped into my inner world and found the quiet place where I could see this experience for what it truly was in my soul. A chance to completely reset, reconnect, recharge from all the things the world has shifted and that I have shifted. I tapped into my body’s natural reactions of adrenaline and used mindfulness to send it in a different direction than fight or flight. As I took in all the things I had the pleasure of seeing from my bird’s eye view, I didn’t feel scared. I felt excited. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and humility in all the greatness around me. I felt tiny and it was epic. As we launched from the tiny step where the fall was in the hands of the man harnessed (REEEEALLY tightly) to my back, my stomach flipped into all the parts of my body while we barrel rolled and lord knows what other “tricks” until we steadied in the free fall. All I felt was complete disorientation for the first few seconds and then it hit me with more weight than anything else I’d consider having been blissful in my life. I was high on nothing but the present moment in my perfect body containing my perfect soul. The free fall feeling didn’t last long as my physical body adjusted to the sensation of dropping like a rock back to Mama Earth. That level of bliss took me by complete surprise, and as Jacko tapped my shoulder telling me it was safe to lift my hands and feel what it was like to soar (or just fall looking really cool), it took me a minute to presence my external experience and let it participate with my internal experience.
Then the chute opened. Everything slowed down and I came fully back into my body. The view was incredible. I got to drive. I got to look and witness. I got to take my goggles off and see it all uncensored. I felt my braid whipping. I felt the rush of excitement followed by the harnesses squeezing the life out of my poor thighs with every quick drop and sharp turn. I heard the wind blasting in my ears and the voice of my tandem buddy pointing out sites and telling me how to steer. I felt my DRY ASS mouth full of air because I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling the whole time. Little Kaitlyn was alive, proud, and ecstatic to be free in the way she’s always wanted. As we hit the dirt on our butts, I just cheered myself and loved so hard on myself for allowing myself to experience this, in this way, on a soul level. I hopped on the trailer back to the building still smiling. While waiting for the rest of the crew to finish the work of throwing a few more people out of the plane and load our pics and videos, I started to process how I was feeling. I felt so grounded and calm. I felt so content with every single thing in my life.
Hours later, as I write this, I realize it’s because this isn’t just skydiving for a thrill or to overcome a fear of heights, or something to satisfy my adrenaline craving. This was an experience my soul needed to start the new season of life. New people, new business, new surroundings, new love of life. This is exactly what I needed to step fully into who and what and where I am supposed to be in this exact moment. I can’t wait to step into my new role as coach, leader, sounding board, space-holder, anything that calls to me and help others understand, visit, and live in this space that words cannot describe. This space beyond happiness and bliss. This place you have to feel yourself to know and understand. All it took was a little tumble out of a plane, on a Thursday.
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